Moose Lake Star Gazette - Serving Carlton and Pine Counties Since 1895

By Wick Fisher
Moose Lake Star-Gazette 

Doggie DNA

Wick's World


August 22, 2019

I am a fraud. When you see me bent over with a plastic baggie in hand, don’t mistake me for a responsible pet owner who picks up after his dog. As a matter-of-fact, I long ago perfected the art of what I call “fake doggy-doo-doo scooping.” It’s quite simple. Getting as close to the ground as possible, insert the doggy-doo-doo bag over your right hand; then make a fake stab (without ever actually touching the stuff) at the pinky-sized doggy-doo-doo as it lay steaming on someone’s lawn. My neighbor says she never minds. She is the one who came up with the quote, “Oh, your dogs. Theirs is only the size of your pinkie. Mine is like a–never mind!”

Lastly, tuck the empty baggie away until it can be safely deposited in the nearest convenient garbage can. (You don’t actually expect me to walk around with a bag of dog poop, do you?) Hint: don’t ever place the empty baggie where it can be further inspected by someone who may suspect your shenanigans. A public-shaming is certain to follow… as it should.

I hereby declare my career as a serial dog doo-doo spreader is rapidly coming to a close. This isn’t altogether for altruistic reasons. In all likelihood, my next residence will require me to have Mae and Sweet Pea submit stool samples in order to register their DNA for the distinct purpose of finding out who the pet owner is that failed to scoop up the …you get my drift.

This issue of dog-doo-doo identification via DNA testing was recently brought to my attention by a story in the news. It seems a lady resident of my current hometown of Eagan, Minnesota accidently left her purse at a place of business. Although the purse lacked any identification, there was a means available to return the purse to its proper owner. The lady must have taken her dog for a walk that morning because inside the purse was a plastic baggie filled with dog-doo. Eagan’s finest went into action. The City Police ran the DNA, came up with a match and returned the purse to Fluffy’s owner.

Despite the seemingly successful use of DNA testing to serve the public good, questions remain. Are my dogs to be treated like registered sex offenders that have recently moved into the neighborhood? The reasoning according to the realtors association in San Diego, California is that the building complex wants to ascertain that the common grounds will be kept dog-doo-doo-free, despite low-life owners like me who shun their civic duty by letting dog-doo doo lie. Let pressing charges against the pet-owner be adequate enough to make me see the error of my ways.

My new motto: “Let sleeping dogs lie; but not their doo-doo.”

Where are these databases full of dog DNA stored? (Local place where sample taken.) Who files charges against the pet owner for “failure to pick up a deposit”? (Local police.) How much is the fine? (Too much.) Is a weekly register published of the names of delinquent dog-doo violators? (Not yet, but I may start one.) Is this really necessary? (Apparently so.) Will Wick Fisher ever make that list? That’s one question that will be answered. Definitely not! The next time you see me picking up, it’s for real. (Most likely.)


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