Moose Lake Star Gazette - Serving Carlton and Pine Counties Since 1895

By Paul Marvin
Moose Lake Star-Gazette 

Live alien lights

North Country Crock


September 6, 2018

Paul Marvin

A homemade lamp is a reminder of the light this Conehead will provide for years to come. Buster is a rescue dog who made his way north from Texas.

We saw the light.

By 'we' I mean our family unit.

Like a scene from E.T. or some other space opera/odyssey from the late 20th Century. A pop-culture invasion. Minus Ringo.

As far as we could tell, he was alien.

Not to accuse him of being an Illegal Alien. They don't exist.

Remember Alf from Melmac or Mork from Ork? One ate cats. The other was eccentric, but we fell in love with his inner genius. They were welcomed, no matter their planet of origin. For Earthlings, this task of acceptance was important to achieve. Before we knew it, they were gone without notice. The human race is better because of them. Mork, anyway.

We've seen the new guy's type before. On television (there is a trend here) in the 70s and 80s. By the 90s they made their way to the Big Screen.

Truth be told, those years are a blur to me. I was on a wild trip called childhood, man.

They were on after bedtime, I've only seen archived material.

It all happened spontaneously at night. On Earth. In America. At our house.

Live Coneheads!

Cones, for heads. Can you believe it?

I used to think similar, crazy, unplanned events never occurred anymore because Facebook ruined everything.

I was wrong. Which never happens.

In hindsight, we should have seen it coming. History tends to repeat itself.

He showed up spontaneously in front of our very eyes. On Earth. In America. At our house.

A Live Conehead!

'It all just happened' is what we keep telling ourselves...

Like the Coneheads of old, this one has an extreme appetite and must consume mass quantities of consumables. He has a special taste for human inedibles like shoes and rugs.

He also loves car rides. I believe this to be a trait of Coneheads. Beldar, the father from the 70s, was actually a driving instructor.

The mother's name was Prymatt. Her job was to enjoy preparing mass quantities of consumables (mentioned prior) for her family unit, while maintaining the home-base.

Together, Beldar and Prymatt had a daughter named Connie. She's was a teenager, another unexplainable species.

Their home planet was Remulak, which must be down the galaxy from Melmac. If you hit Ork, you've gone too far. To simplify things, they told Earthlings they were from France.

Our new guy loves everything French. Toast, vanilla and kissing. Though the tongue stuff can be a little overbearing.

A notable exception to the French traits is that he doesn't like manicures.

When the Earthling doctor saw him last, she suggested sedation next time he gets his nails done. Nothing a good bottle of Bordeaux can't handle, but I'll ask the doctor first.

Coneheads are no strangers to drinking. They consume six packs of beer at a time. Our family unit has an uncle who does the same thing. Then he sees extra-terrestrials of his own. We don't probe for details. He's sensitive.

Eventually, our little guy didn't have to wear the cone anymore. Now he's just a Bonehead. Fitting since he loves bones almost as much as car rides and kisses.

Needless to say, we will continue to appreciate the shining light this former Conehead provides for our family unit. Though, he better not eat the cats.

Na-Nu Na-Nu.

Paul Marvin is a northern Minnesota artist. View his work at or


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