Moose Lake Star Gazette - Serving Carlton and Pine Counties Since 1895

By Wick Fisher
Moose Lake Star Gazette 

Make me the king of 2016

Wick's World


Democracy is highly overrated. Your vote may actually count, but it is counted as small and insignificant. The real powers that run America, and the rest of the world, appear to be multi-corporations. Therefore, my preposition to America is to change our government to a monarchy.

What this country needs is not a president who is simply a pawn in a monopoly game with predetermined winners called multinational corporations. We are at the point where we would be better off with a benevolent king, replete with unconditional powers.

I, Wick Fisher, unselfishly volunteer to be your king.

My first edict will be to authorize nationalization of the oil companies, the likes of Pemex of Mexico. Mexico runs on dual incomes of oil and narcotics. Narcotics will never benefit an entire populace, so as king I would simply decriminalize them and let nature take its course in the thinning of the population. As for nationalizing oil, the price of gasoline could then be stabilized at an affordable rate with plenty of profit left over.

As your king, I propose to use the oil money to fund our roads, bridges and especially to restore our railroads to the glory days when trains fueled the travel and transportation of goods across America.

The next benevolent act as your king may sound a bit frivolous, but it is one I have thought about long and hard. I will designate the top 32 metropolitan areas of the country to accommodate the nation's sports franchises. I will take into consideration the already existing franchises that may not qualify by population. Sorry, Canada, you are out. I'm only the king of America.

The first act after nationalizing all of the professional sports in America will be highly unpopular with a few and very popular with many.

All salaries will be capped at one million dollars. Yes, I totally understand even elite athletes need to feed their families. I will add a special soup kitchen in each of the 32 blessed cities with sports franchises so no superstars' children go hungry.

As king, I have now filled America's coffers with more than enough money to establish a royal court made of all my close family and friends. But that wouldn't be very benevolent, would it?

Here's the plan. The professional sports money goes to our public schools. Private schools obviously don't want to be a part of my kingdom, so I say, "Pay your own way!" The public schools now have the bucks to fund education, their athletic programs and teachers' salaries, relieving a huge burden to the taxpayer.

"Make me the king of 2016!"


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